Post by Laura on Feb 13, 2003 13:47:25 GMT -5
You Know You Have A Dressage Rider's TackRoom when...
1. You own dozens of snaffle bits and they're all exactly alike.
2. You have so many snaffle bridles that students look disgusted when you say, "Go get the snaffle bridle."
3. You own every style of bootjack but still need help getting your boots off.
4. You own every size, shape, and color spurs come in.
5. You own the gallon size container of horse treats.
6. Your last jumping saddle is getting dusty.
7. You own lots of dressage and lunging whips.
8. You let everyone borrow anything except your favorite dressage saddle.
9. You own every size, shape, and color dressage saddle pads come in.
10. Your favorite girth is the one from the saddleseat catalog.
11. You own every style of gel pad available.
12. Your favorite gloves are falling apart but you can't bear the thought of throwing them out.
13. You found a mouse nest at the bottom of the pile of unrolled polo wraps.
14. Your favorite trophy is the plaster cast of your seat from the custom saddle maker.
15. You favorite blue ribbon is from that show that no longer exists.
All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Horse
1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.
Submitted by Elaine Steele, Idaho
Top 10 Ways You Know That Martha Stewart Has Been in Your Barnyard
10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from each halter.
9. The horse's hooves have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The horse treats are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The manure fork has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in each new silver water bucket.
5. You find carrot & apple treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Mane & tail hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of each stall.
2. Your horse goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted blanket with matching leg wraps.
1. The manure pile has been sculpted into swans.
The Truth About Breeder Lingo
what they say...and what it really means
1. Noted Judge - He pinned my horse.
2. Respected Judge - He pinned my horse twice.
3. Shown Sparingly - Only when we had the judge in our pocket.
4. Show Prospect - Four legs, two eyes, a mane, and a tail.
5. Placed in Five Shows - and 89 others where he did nothing.
6. Won in Heavy Competition - Three horses in the maiden class.
7. Lots of Pizazz - Hasn't been out of his stall for three days.
8. Limited Showing - Owner broke.
9. Terrific Angulation - Cow hocked and sickle hocked.
10. Personality Plus - Might wake up if you stick a carrot up his nose.
11. Good Bite - Missed the judge, but got the steward.
12. Excels in Movement - When she spooks, she can pass any horse in the ring.
13. Three Good Gaits - and four or five others we can't name.
14. Handled Exclusively By - no one else can get near him.
15. At Stud to Approved Mares - Those in season.
16. Terrific Pedigree - Old champion Whatsisname is twice in the fifth generation.
17. Good Broodmare - Don't dare try to show in the ring.
18. Lots of Drive - Untrainable.
19. Great Stallion Prospect - Will breed anything from the neighbor's cow on up.
20. Plan Your 2XXX Breeding Season Now - Call the stud owner two days before your horse is due to come into season.
TOP TEN EXERCISES TO BECOME A BETTER HORSEMAN
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.
:horsie:
1. You own dozens of snaffle bits and they're all exactly alike.
2. You have so many snaffle bridles that students look disgusted when you say, "Go get the snaffle bridle."
3. You own every style of bootjack but still need help getting your boots off.
4. You own every size, shape, and color spurs come in.
5. You own the gallon size container of horse treats.
6. Your last jumping saddle is getting dusty.
7. You own lots of dressage and lunging whips.
8. You let everyone borrow anything except your favorite dressage saddle.
9. You own every size, shape, and color dressage saddle pads come in.
10. Your favorite girth is the one from the saddleseat catalog.
11. You own every style of gel pad available.
12. Your favorite gloves are falling apart but you can't bear the thought of throwing them out.
13. You found a mouse nest at the bottom of the pile of unrolled polo wraps.
14. Your favorite trophy is the plaster cast of your seat from the custom saddle maker.
15. You favorite blue ribbon is from that show that no longer exists.
All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Horse
1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.
Submitted by Elaine Steele, Idaho
Top 10 Ways You Know That Martha Stewart Has Been in Your Barnyard
10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from each halter.
9. The horse's hooves have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The horse treats are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The manure fork has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in each new silver water bucket.
5. You find carrot & apple treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Mane & tail hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of each stall.
2. Your horse goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted blanket with matching leg wraps.
1. The manure pile has been sculpted into swans.
The Truth About Breeder Lingo
what they say...and what it really means
1. Noted Judge - He pinned my horse.
2. Respected Judge - He pinned my horse twice.
3. Shown Sparingly - Only when we had the judge in our pocket.
4. Show Prospect - Four legs, two eyes, a mane, and a tail.
5. Placed in Five Shows - and 89 others where he did nothing.
6. Won in Heavy Competition - Three horses in the maiden class.
7. Lots of Pizazz - Hasn't been out of his stall for three days.
8. Limited Showing - Owner broke.
9. Terrific Angulation - Cow hocked and sickle hocked.
10. Personality Plus - Might wake up if you stick a carrot up his nose.
11. Good Bite - Missed the judge, but got the steward.
12. Excels in Movement - When she spooks, she can pass any horse in the ring.
13. Three Good Gaits - and four or five others we can't name.
14. Handled Exclusively By - no one else can get near him.
15. At Stud to Approved Mares - Those in season.
16. Terrific Pedigree - Old champion Whatsisname is twice in the fifth generation.
17. Good Broodmare - Don't dare try to show in the ring.
18. Lots of Drive - Untrainable.
19. Great Stallion Prospect - Will breed anything from the neighbor's cow on up.
20. Plan Your 2XXX Breeding Season Now - Call the stud owner two days before your horse is due to come into season.
TOP TEN EXERCISES TO BECOME A BETTER HORSEMAN
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.
:horsie:
